She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Randomize
