come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
