well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
