If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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