She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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