Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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