she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
