Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We need a shit load of segways right now
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
