This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
