Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
