I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
