$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
