One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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