i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize