I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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