dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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