I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
