he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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