if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
