Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
