11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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