I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
