Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
