I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
