That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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