PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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