we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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