The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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