It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
