i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
