A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize