I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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