I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
well you can't waste a boner
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
