He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
