also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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