Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
