I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My breasts were aching with rage.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
