Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
