Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
