I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
