I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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