The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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