Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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