I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
