What tipped you off? The sombrero?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize