Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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