Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
