Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
