I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
