Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
