proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
