Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
