I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
wat bout pragnant strippers??
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
