How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
