I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize