i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
