Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
