listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
