Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
