I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
