Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
