I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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