I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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